i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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