in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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