I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
