My nipple is on Facebook.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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