love makes seman taste better
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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