I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
