My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
