I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
