Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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