You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Of course I have a pirate flag
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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