I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
