ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
