Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
