Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
