i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
