he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
