If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
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