you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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