my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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