I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
