We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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