You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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