guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Randomize
