he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
