Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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