he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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