please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
