shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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