when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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