This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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