I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
