last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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