Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I touched a dick in church today
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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