Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
