there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
