ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
