just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
