Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
