So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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