I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
