i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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