My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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