A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
