do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
