If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
