walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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