this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
