Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
