I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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