There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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