dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
